Day 0 - An introduction

Let's start with an introduction.

Hi! I'm Dave, I am 44 years old, married for 12 years to Kelly, the most wonderfully infuriating but perfectly crazy lady in he world. We have 2 amazing children who for now I shall refer to by their initials of K and C. K is 18 and off to University which is going to make me incredibly emotional, and C is 11 and heading off to secondary school this Monday with a grumpy face and a stomp of his stinky feet.

Now to the more important (and hopefully humorous) crux of this blog, MENTAL. FUCKING. HEALTH. What an absolute BASTARD especially when it's crumbling before your very eyes! A stable mentality is what us crazies (this is my word, some people may not appreciate that term) dream of, because although we know every little detail of our lives makes us unique I'd rather be of sound body AND mind.

Day 0 started badly, the dog woke me up by whining im my face, a job usually reserved for Kelly, and she does it so well. I get up and put her collar on and clip the lead to it. She pulls like a Rottweiler but is in actuality a scrawny ginger labrador with ears that resemble Dobby the house elf from Harry Potter.

I open the door with my eyes half closed and step out into a new and annoyingly bright morning..... Straight into a cobweb the size of Australia! I swear to god I'm so happy that I didn't see what spun that sticky trap of terror as I imagine it was probably the size of a Toyota Prius with teeth like daggers and venom that could paralyse am elephant in under 4 seconds.

Untangling my irked face from said silky threads I fully expected doggo to be copped on the grass curling out a giant steaming dog egg that I could enjoy picking up with my nose buried in my shirt collar and a plastic bag shield on my hand.

But she wasn't there. I looked round and she'd wandered back into the house on her extendable lead having done neither a number one or two, and this was the first of at least ten attempts to get her to go to the toilet. Every time we come back inside she looks at me for a treat, either not realising,or most likely, not caring that she'd done NOTHING to deserve it.

Figuring I'd have an exhausting day of sitting down doing nothing ahead of me I opted to on the sofa and close my eyes. The secomd my eyelids embraced each other a fly landed on my eyelashes the dirty little bastard. Well the last laugh would be mine as I slowly raised my arm not to spook it. As my hand came hurtling toward my face I didn't even for one second contemplate how small and insignificant the mass of a fly is compared to a pudgy white hand with bitten nails launched at mach 4.

Crack! AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Fuck me! I hit myself with the force of 3 atomic bombs, the fly was either vaporised or had enough time to lazily buzz off to shit on something else. In the meantime I was seriously worried I had popped my eyeball leaving myself looking like the world's baldest and most diabetic pirate.

All this within 40 minutes of waking up, the day surely couldn't get any worse than whining, cobwebs, flying bastards and self mutilation.......

Or could it?

Well the answer to that is YES, yes it fucking could!